i wrote all this, and then he told me he didnt have feelings for me...but this stays, because all these thoughts stay.........................
my real profile will continue after this... but this must be said first.
there is something about other people, and i'm not sure what it is, and i dont think anyone else is either, because there are pages of words and scores of music all created to try and justify this, mostly to no avail, perhaps no one will ever get it or come even close, but its worthh thinking about. what do i mean by all of this? i mean that there are some people that affect you more than even, you know, like a bullet in your body or a fucking heart attack! there is no denying this, especially if you've felt it, especially if you've loved someone else...you know what part of yourself you invest into them. and sometimes they say and sometimes they go, and you go through lifef thinking you will connect infinitely with numerous people the way you do with maybe one or two early in life, and then somewhere along the line, you're misconnected with everyone and you realize that doesnt happen. there is no replacing anyone, because the most mundane things about them are completely lovely and idiosyncratic and amazing, and there is no replacing that. and i realize suddenly that i know who one of those people are in my life, and i dont know if they are gone forever or not, but here i am, feeling content with life and wiht myself and they come along and change everything, make me think and feel differently than i ever have felt before, and maybe i do the same for them, and maybe not, but i know now that people console me by saying 'you were okay for over a decade before he came along, you will be okay again'. and i think YES i was fine but i am not that girl anymore!!! because thats the thing i cant seem to explain andd no onee can,....I AM NOT THE SAME. i put all my romanticism and faith into this other person and perhaps when we werent together, he took that part away from me. and now i'm stuck feeling like a freak because i think i dont get over people like...like *THIS* but its not supposed to be liek that!! not for me at least....i mean...people end relationships like changing brands of tootthpaste!!!! and so these people, it (or they) damage me when they aer gone because i miss the most beautiful specific details about them, and those things are really matchless and irreplaceable. and now i feel so confused because i irrevocably put all my love into this one thing, and now its coming back to me, i am remembering it, and its stirring all this shit inside me thats been tucked away for a long while...and it reminds me how genuinely hopeful i was, and genuinely curious and interested and optimistic, and now.....'reality and love are almost contradictory to me now'........says julie delpy. and then today, just today, its march twenty nine, and i read in the newspaper about something i have much interest in...the large hadron collider, and about strangelets and micro black holes, and i already feel like such a god damned existentialist, but i read baout how you know, maybe like, tomorrow, our world could get eaten by black holes, and maybe our planet could get turned into some QUARK star composed of strange matter...this insanely dense planet or crumpled piece of paper!!! and so if that happens, do i want to have this entire ball of fucking shit rolled up inside me, gliding around like a pinball inside its buzzing, blinking little world? no!! i want to fucking pull that trigger so hard the little silver sphere BURSTS through that glass and hits someone in the face, i want to tell them! i want to get this out...i want them to know, i want them to see, and i dont, by any means, expect them to feel that way towards me, and thats oaky, its really about coming to terms with it all....about learning and living with it. and perhaps. just perhaps. i might discover that they feel the same, and for that, its so fucking worth it to me....even if my heart gets broken and fucked up. ITS WORTH IT!!! its worth it because there is no REAL life or REAL meaning other than what you give what you make it, there is no depending on some outside force to answer your questions!!! so i wrote all this without any backspaces (typos and all) just to get a string of it out of my head. and i feel so fucking HAPPY to be this way...and to enjoy this person so intently, and even if i learn from him directly that there is nothing to that on his side, maybe it will drop its head down a little easier now that its seen the light of day. and the thing is...perhaps the first time we loved each other, it wasnt as real for me. i think he loved me genuinely but i dont know that i knew how to love that much or that perfectly...but hes been gone for a while now, and i know!!!! i raelize!!! i learned! i know how to love that way...before...i would think like 'i want him to do this ' and now...and now i realize to love is not to have expectations and loev the expectations, but its to love them! and even if they fuck up and are ugly and have shitty hair or lopsided eyes, or they smell bad or whatever hilarious and kinda sad shit, it DOESNT MATTER because they are whatever they are to you, and its amazing. and so i know how to do that now. and i am so excited just to be able to realize how that works, and even if its too late now, i realize! i know now how to love correctly (if thats existent). and so here i am, writing this fucking mini-novel on an internet networking site, one based in a country i've never even been to, telling the world, ultimately, about this. and maybe he'll see it and maybe he wont. its not really my intention to say this to HIM just as much as to the world, even if no one listens. so, hey world, guess what. I KNOW HOW TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW! i know what i did wrong, and i feel so pure and happy knowing this...because i realize that if i get around to telling him any of these things, i can present this whole...beautiful oppurtunity to him. i can say 'if you want, i can give you all the shit i just talked about up there' and maybe he'll say yes, and maybe he'll say, its too late now, but thats not so much the important thing, as its important that i understand now, i understand things that once were,a nd i feel a little more related to the world, i feel perfectly in tune with it all, and just knowing that i GET a little more of the world, it makes me feel like WONDERFUL!!! i mean, this other person has contributed somuch to helping me realize this, and i am proud of myself. so i guess if he reads this, i want to say DIRECTLY TO YOUR FACE: thank you. and call me if you like this proposal, you know, of genuine love and happiness. HA hahahahahahahahahah
...............good day to you all, if you raed this, thank you for indulging in my thoughts. :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)